Olivia's Hope Collage

A heartfelt thank you to Franchesca at Hope Collage for creating a wonderful collage for our little Olivia Anne. Please take a moment to visit her blog Handprints from Heaven honoring the memory of her beautiful daughter Jenna Belle.

Happy Thanksgiving?

Yesterday as we sat down to a traditional Turkey Day meal it really hit home; Four chairs at the table, not five (or six). This time last year Sara's pregnancy was just getting to the "reality check" phase, only 3 months to go before our lives changed forever -- little did we know. It was a good holiday, building excitement, lots of food, lots of family, lots of love. Yesterday was a Holiday in name only. No excitement to speak of- only an emptiness - this is not how it was meant to be. The food was bountiful as always but was more a nutrition and tradition bound necessity, not a celebration of what we have. The family was even smaller than anticipated with Sara's Uncle hospitalized for heart troubles. The Love was still there, stronger than ever, but spiced with a sad gravity forged through communal struggles and tragedy. Tearfully, I raised my glass to our Little Love, toasting her memory, willing her spirit to feast with us.

Over the last week many posts, whether on Facebook or in the Blogosphere have focused on a "I am Thankful for X, Y,and Z" meme. I've turned this question over and over in my head for weeks , no actually months, but it's been brought into sharp focus with everyone listing their thanks. My knee-jerk reaction is that I'm not thankful for much right now; The best thing I've ever know has been taken from me forever making me very bitter so you can just F***off !!!

I hate Auto-Complete... or Ghosts Everywhere (Part 2)

As I sat down to compose another entry, I clicked into the Title: line and was rudely distracted from the what I actually meant to post. I was confronted by a list of previously blogged topics, most of them from Olivia's Big Adventure. My computer was wondering if I wanted to use these titles... (again)... yeah thanks, but NO.

• Quest for the Golden Elixer
• when it was still easy to joke about trying to collect a urine sample from a 3 month old
• On the Road Again...  Again... and Again
• heading back to Ann Arbor for yet another follow up Liver & Kidney visit
• Stuck in a Rut...  (part 1)
  
• the last post before Olivia died talking about how well she was doing and following routines pictures of her at the zoo with her cousins
• part 2 never made it to publication and was soon followed by
• Dragonflies
• Our first acceptance of Olivia in another form
• Ghost Everywhere
• rounds out the Auto-complete list so perfectly It 

The Truth Is...

I came across this while reading another blog (Dear Briana: Letters to Heaven). The original writing is attributed to C.E. Carney, RN.





"THE TRUTH IS..."

1.The truth ISN'T that you will feel "all better" in a couple of days, or weeks, or even months.

The truth IS that the days will be filled with an unending ache and the nights will feel one million sad years long for a while. Healing is attained only after the slow necessary progression through the stages of grief and mourning.

2.The truth isn't that a new pregnancy will help you forget.

The truth is that, while thoughts of a new pregnancy soon may provide hope, a lost infant deserves to be mourned just as you would have with anyone you loved. Grieving takes a lot of energy and can be both emotionally and physically draining. This could have an impact upon your health during another pregnancy. While the decision to try again is a very individualized one, being pregnant while still actively grieving is very difficult.

Ghosts Everywhere

Shortly after Olivia's death I described her loss like this:

When Olivia was born in February our lives changed forever. Our regular routines and freedoms were thrown into chaos. Slowly over the next weeks Sara and I established nice routines all centered around Olivia - Feedings, Playtimes, Baths, Dr Visits, Medicines, Etc. We were satellites orbiting the center of our universe -- Olivia- a very bright star. When she left our world 3 weeks ago, our Sun, our Center, Our Focus was taken away. Sara and I lost our center, we lost our focus, we lost our Star. Hopefully someday we will find pleasure again in the freedoms that have returned -- finishing a meal uniterupted, sleeping in on the weekends, getting in the car w/o needing to 'load up.' These are freedoms we glady gave up and don't want back, but we have no say....

We are most definitely still objects in motion, as of yet without a purposeful orbit. I guess we could be considered space debris floating w/o purpose around where our star used to be. Travelling in the same orbit are many objects that hauntingly keep Olivia alive. Whether it's the last bottle I fed her the night she died still sitting in the fridge, her bouncy chair covered with her Lion Fleece blanket sitting by the Aquarium in our living room, the car seat base still in Sara's car, the desktop photo on my laptop staring at me, the Halloween costume she never got to wear, the bottle caddy in the dishwasher that's still there, a pink swaddling blanket tucked under my pillow, the silver angel pendant in my pocket I rub all day long, the Picture 'she' gave me for Father's day that I kiss every night before bed.... 


When can I let go? How can I let go? Do I want to let go of these ghosts? I'm afraid if any of these slip, I'm losing a piece of my precious baby. At first these ghost just brought a reminder of what we've lost. Now they occasionally bring a slight smile, reminding me of what we had and how good it was. I guess sometimes ghosts are good things.

What's in a Name?

Since we lost Olivia 3 months ago the Dragonfly has come to symbolize her continued presence with us. Two weeks after her death Sara and I had one of those 'shake you to the core of your being' experiences. To this day thinking and talking about that Sunday morning gives me goose bumps. 

A place to think

I plan to use this blog as a place to capture - or at least attempt to - the thoughts and feelings collecting in my mind since the death of our precious little Olivia in August of 2009 to Alagille Syndrome. Her story has been chronicled in detail on her blog. My posts here, while dealing with Olivia's death, just don't seem to belong on 'her blog,' a celebration of her life. I had been wanting to get back to writing for quite a while, I started numerous posts on Olivia's Blog but it never felt right.

I don't know what shape this blog will take in the long run, but I hope it can become a general conversation about grief and child loss with my fellow travelers on a road none of us chose willingly.

While floating through the ether earlier today I came across this post and this post from a couple grieving fathers. The haunting refrain of this love song made my heart ache once again....

"Chasing Cars" -- Snow Patrol

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?