If you are friends or family of ours, please do not be offended that I didn't share this site with you. You are more than welcome to stay, read and participate, but be aware that somethings said here are not directed at you. While some of the posts and comments might be uncomfortable for you, remember the purpose of this site: It's dealing with My pain and My Grief that you just can't understand until you lose one of your own. I know you want to help ease my pain (and you have in many ways) but there will always be burdens you can't help me with, so I turn to my fellow bereaved.


Sunday, November 22, 2009

The Truth Is...

I came across this while reading another blog (Dear Briana: Letters to Heaven). The original writing is attributed to C.E. Carney, RN.


1.The truth ISN'T that you will feel "all better" in a couple of days, or weeks, or even months.
The truth IS that the days will be filled with an unending ache and the nights will feel one million sad years long for a while. Healing is attained only after the slow necessary progression through the stages of grief and mourning.

2.The truth isn't that a new pregnancy will help you forget.
The truth is that, while thoughts of a new pregnancy soon may provide hope, a lost infant deserves to be mourned just as you would have with anyone you loved. Grieving takes a lot of energy and can be both emotionally and physically draining. This could have an impact upon your health during another pregnancy. While the decision to try again is a very individualized one, being pregnant while still actively grieving is very difficult.

3.The truth isn't that pills or alcohol will dull the pain.

The truth is that they will merely postpone the reality you must eventually face in order to begin healing. However, if Your doctor feels that medication is necessary to help maintain your health, use it intelligently and according to his/her instructions.

4.The truth isn't that once this is over your life will be the same.

The truth is that your upside-down world will slowly settle down, hopefully leaving you a more sensitive, compassionate person, better prepared to handle the hard times that everyone must deal with sooner or later. When you consider that you have just experienced one of the worst things that can happen to a family, as you heal you will become aware of how strong you are.

5.The truth isn't that grieving is morbid, or a sign of weakness or mental instability.

The truth is that grieving is work that must be done. Now is the appropriate time. Allow yourself the time. Feel it, flow with it. Try not to fight it too often. It will get easier if you expect that it is variable, that some days are better than others. Be patient with yourself. There are no short cuts to healing. The active grieving will be over when all the work is done.

6.The truth isn't that grief is all-consuming.

The truth is that in the midst of the most agonizing time of your life, there will be laughter. Don't feel guilty. Laugh if you want to. Just as you must allow yourself the time to grieve, you must also allow yourself the time to laugh.Viewing laughter as part of the healing process, just as overwhelming sadness is now, will make the pain more bearable.

7.The truth isn't that one person can bear this alone.

The truth is that while only you can make the choices necessary to return to the mainstream of life a healed person, others in your life are also grieving and are feeling very helpless. As unfair as it may seem, the burden of remaining in contact with family and friends often falls on you. They are afraid to "butt in," or they may be fearful of saying or doing the wrong thing. This makes them feel even more helpless. They need to be told honestly what they can do to help. They don't need to be told, "I'm doing fine" when you're really NOT doing fine. By allowing others to share in your pain and assist you with your needs, you will be comforted and they will feel less helpless.

8.The truth isn't that God must be punishing you for something.

The truth is that sometimes these things just happen. They have happened to many people before you, and they will happen to many people after you. This was not an act of any God; it was an act of Nature. It isn't fair to blame God, or yourself, or anyone else. Try to understand that it is human nature to look for a place to put the blame, especially when there are so few answers to the question, "Why?" Sometimes there are answers. Most times there are not. Believing that you are being punished will only get in the way of your healing.

9.The truth isn't that you will be unable to make any choices or decisions during this time.

The truth is that while major decisions, such as moving or changing jobs, are better off being postponed for now, life goes on. It will be difficult, but decisions dealing with the death of your baby (seeing and naming the baby, arranging and/or attending a religious ritual, taking care of the nursery items you have acquired) are all choices you can make for yourself. Well-meaning people will try to shelter you from the pain of this. However, many of us who have suffered similar losses agree that these first decisions are very important. They help to make the loss real. Our brains filter out much of the pain early on as a way to protect us. Very soon after that, we find ourselves reliving the events over and over, trying to remember everything. This is another way that we acknowledge the loss. Until the loss is real, grieving cannot begin. Being involved at this early time will be a painful experience, but it will help you deal with your grief better as you progress by providing comforting memories of having performed loving, caring acts for your baby.

10.The truth isn't that you will be delighted to hear that a friend or other loved one has just given birth to a healthy baby.

The truth is that you may find it very difficult to be around mothers with young babies. You may be hurt, or angry, or jealous. You may wonder why you couldn't have had that joy. You may be resentful, or refuse to see friends with new babies. You may even secretly wish that the same thing would happen to someone else. You want someone to understand how it feels. You may also feel very ashamed that you could wish such things on people you love or care about, or think that you must be a dreadful person. You aren't. You're human, and even the most loving people can react this way when they are actively grieving. If the situations were reversed, your friends would be feeling and thinking the same things you are. Forgive yourself. It's OK. These feelings will eventually go away.

11.The truth isn't that all marriages survive this difficult time.

The truth is that sometimes you might blame one another, resent one another, or dislike being with one another. If you find this happening, get help. There are self-help groups available or grief counselors who can help. Don't ignore it or tuck it away assuming it will get better. It won't. Actively grieving people cannot help one another. It is unrealistic, like having two people who were blinded at the same time teach each other Braille. Talking it out with others may help. It might even save your marriage.

12.The truth isn't that eventually you will accept the loss of your baby and forget all about this awful time.

The truth is that acceptance is a word reserved for the understanding you come to when you've successfully grieved the loss of a parent, or a grandparent, or a beloved older relative. When you lose a child, your whole future has been affected, not your past. No one can really accept that. But there is resolution in the form of healing and learning how to cope. You will survive. Many of us who have gone through this type of grief are afraid we might forget about our babies once we begin to heal. This won't happen. You will always remember your precious baby because successful grieving carves a place in your heart where he or she will live forever.


  1. Wow so much wisdom in these words. So many very carefully crafted words that really hit the mark. There are so many cliche's that people look to which miss the point but I agree with everything in this post.

    It has taken me time to realise some of these truths but they are so true.

    Some that I have found hard to communicate would include that grieving a baby and being allowed to love that baby after it has gone is not morbid (no5). This is so true and it is such a shame that people do not always appreciate this. I think I also struggled to cope with no 10 - the presence of other mothers and babies. I didn't know if this was because of Abigail or because of infertility problems but I knew it hurt.

    I had never thought about what no 12 says - the difference between losing a parent or grandparent (more affecting the past)or a baby which totally changes your future. This is true but I love the truth that we can carve a place in our heart to remember our babies.

    Thanks for sharing this Ben

  2. I completely agree with the post.. and the part where it talks about not replacing one baby with another.. before Ella was even gone, our geneticist started talking about having another baby and what we would need to do to have a healthy one.. and he wasn't the only one who brought it up.. I was shocked and hurt how many people asked.. we are six months out and 10 months out from the initial fatal diagnosis.. I am just now to a point in my life where I feel like its a legitimate possibility.. nothing and no one will ever take away the pain and loss of her.. I will carry that with me forever..even if I had ten kids..its still not her.. that hole will still be there.. your daughter was beautiful, and I am so sorry for your loss..

  3. Ben,

    I randomly came across your blog recently while searching the internet for something that might give me some sense of hope in my own loss. I have read so much in your previous blog about Olivia's struggle. She was beautiful and it wasn't fair that her life was so short.

    Our daughter, Addison, was born at 38 1/2 weeks on 10/28/09 (I went to the hospital for decreased fetal movement). She apparently suffered a cord injury before birth because she was born in a coma-like state, and EEG and brain MRI confirmed she had sustained severe hypoxic eschemic brain injury. We took Addison to hospice on 11/1 and she passed away 11/4/09. I knew that there were worse possible scenarios than what we were faced with, and you suffered one of them. To have a child for a week was painful--but to have her for nearly 6 months, watch her fight so hard and undergo so much--only to have to say goodbye would be even more unbearable. I just want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss.

    This piece made me feel like some of the things I'm feeling are normal, which is comforting. We are lucky enough to have a 3-year-old son who is happy and healthy, but that does not take away from the grief I feel for the loss of my daughter. #12 was especially helpful because I don't have much of a history with Addison. She never even got to see me or bond with me. Sometimes I feel like I just made Addison up in my head because no one really got to "know" her--there was nothing of her to know other than she was perfect, and a terrible, unfair accident took all that away.

    I don't have a blog, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry for my pain and your pain, and I'm glad I found this blog, and others like it. Thank you for sharing your life.

  4. That's a great post. I can identify with each of the truths.


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