Shooting the Curl

Surviving The Holidays™ was actually more difficult than I could have imagined. In my naiveté or more likely state of denial, I had constructed an elaborate theory that since Olivia left us before we ever experienced a Christmas with her it wouldn't hurt as much because we didn't have any direct memories of 'Last Christmas.' Wow was I wrong....

Ghosts Everywhere

Shortly after Olivia's death I described her loss like this:

When Olivia was born in February our lives changed forever. Our regular routines and freedoms were thrown into chaos. Slowly over the next weeks Sara and I established nice routines all centered around Olivia - Feedings, Playtimes, Baths, Dr Visits, Medicines, Etc. We were satellites orbiting the center of our universe -- Olivia- a very bright star. When she left our world 3 weeks ago, our Sun, our Center, Our Focus was taken away. Sara and I lost our center, we lost our focus, we lost our Star. Hopefully someday we will find pleasure again in the freedoms that have returned -- finishing a meal uniterupted, sleeping in on the weekends, getting in the car w/o needing to 'load up.' These are freedoms we glady gave up and don't want back, but we have no say....

We are most definitely still objects in motion, as of yet without a purposeful orbit. I guess we could be considered space debris floating w/o purpose around where our star used to be. Travelling in the same orbit are many objects that hauntingly keep Olivia alive. Whether it's the last bottle I fed her the night she died still sitting in the fridge, her bouncy chair covered with her Lion Fleece blanket sitting by the Aquarium in our living room, the car seat base still in Sara's car, the desktop photo on my laptop staring at me, the Halloween costume she never got to wear, the bottle caddy in the dishwasher that's still there, a pink swaddling blanket tucked under my pillow, the silver angel pendant in my pocket I rub all day long, the Picture 'she' gave me for Father's day that I kiss every night before bed.... 


When can I let go? How can I let go? Do I want to let go of these ghosts? I'm afraid if any of these slip, I'm losing a piece of my precious baby. At first these ghost just brought a reminder of what we've lost. Now they occasionally bring a slight smile, reminding me of what we had and how good it was. I guess sometimes ghosts are good things.

A place to think

I plan to use this blog as a place to capture - or at least attempt to - the thoughts and feelings collecting in my mind since the death of our precious little Olivia in August of 2009 to Alagille Syndrome. Her story has been chronicled in detail on her blog. My posts here, while dealing with Olivia's death, just don't seem to belong on 'her blog,' a celebration of her life. I had been wanting to get back to writing for quite a while, I started numerous posts on Olivia's Blog but it never felt right.

I don't know what shape this blog will take in the long run, but I hope it can become a general conversation about grief and child loss with my fellow travelers on a road none of us chose willingly.

While floating through the ether earlier today I came across this post and this post from a couple grieving fathers. The haunting refrain of this love song made my heart ache once again....

"Chasing Cars" -- Snow Patrol

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?