When Olivia was born in February our lives changed forever. Our regular routines and freedoms were thrown into chaos. Slowly over the next weeks Sara and I established nice routines all centered around Olivia - Feedings, Playtimes, Baths, Dr Visits, Medicines, Etc. We were satellites orbiting the center of our universe -- Olivia- a very bright star. When she left our world 3 weeks ago, our Sun, our Center, Our Focus was taken away. Sara and I lost our center, we lost our focus, we lost our Star. Hopefully someday we will find pleasure again in the freedoms that have returned -- finishing a meal uniterupted, sleeping in on the weekends, getting in the car w/o needing to 'load up.' These are freedoms we glady gave up and don't want back, but we have no say....We are most definitely still objects in motion, as of yet without a purposeful orbit. I guess we could be considered space debris floating w/o purpose around where our star used to be. Travelling in the same orbit are many objects that hauntingly keep Olivia alive. Whether it's the last bottle I fed her the night she died still sitting in the fridge, her bouncy chair covered with her Lion Fleece blanket sitting by the Aquarium in our living room, the car seat base still in Sara's car, the desktop photo on my laptop staring at me, the Halloween costume she never got to wear, the bottle caddy in the dishwasher that's still there, a pink swaddling blanket tucked under my pillow, the silver angel pendant in my pocket I rub all day long, the Picture 'she' gave me for Father's day that I kiss every night before bed....
When can I let go? How can I let go? Do I want to let go of these ghosts? I'm afraid if any of these slip, I'm losing a piece of my precious baby. At first these ghost just brought a reminder of what we've lost. Now they occasionally bring a slight smile, reminding me of what we had and how good it was. I guess sometimes ghosts are good things.
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