Life is just a Roller Coaster

Even though it's been quite a while since I written anything in this blog, it's never been far from my mind. The last months have had ups and downs, with the downs luckily not reaching depths that they did in the early months after Olivia's death. I have been able to set aside times to grieve, or at least control & suppress what 'normal company' would consider 'inappropriate' times to grieve in public. I've found that if I create a routine that allows for my private & sometimes public expression of grief, life proceeds much more smoothly. Even though the majority of Olivia's ashes are at home with us on her Memorial Shelf so she's with us every day, I still try to make it to Olivia's grave once a week.

Some days when I visit her grave I can smile, say a few words and move on, but other times I feel crushed. I can spend 20 or 30 minutes sitting by her side sobbing and still feel no better. Last weekend we stopped by her graveside (after a funeral service for a friend's mother) and we finally saw her headstone. After a number of false starts and delays Olivia's marker arrived exactly like we wanted. (Sorry the pictures aren't the best, but they were taken with my cell phone, it was all I had with me at the time)

I feel the marker captures everything we could want to tell about our little peanut in the space provided. Her portrait on the right captures her 'Soul Gaze' that she perfected in her short time in our world. The Dragonfly on the left (designed by my wonderful sister-in-law) captures the essence of her current spirit - free, graceful, & unbound.

My wife gave me a wonderful Father's Day present, a Tricolored Beech Tree to plant in Olivia's memory. She also gave me a nicely inscribed memorial plaque to hang around the tree. Here's a picture after I planted the tree a couple of weekends ago. In the background to the left (beside the leaning birdhouse) is a Weeping Willow I planted last summer in honor of Olivia's birth.....

We're quickly approaching 1 year without our little girl, it's hard to believe we've made it this far. The wound is not as raw as it once was, yet it still bleeds easily and often, at least I've learned how not to bump it quite as hard. We've been lucky to find a great local support group that meets once a month to help us share our feelings and know we're not alone.

It's late and I need to get some sleep, I'll leave you with a song I've posted before but it's appropriate to my life right now. I'm sure a number of you will figure it out soon enough.

Peace,
Ben

Mr. Postman look and see
If there's a message in your bag for me
Could be a bomb or it could be a letter
It don't matter it can only get better
Mr. Postman look and see
If there's a message in your bag for me
You know it's been such a long long time
Since I could laugh at this world of mine

Slippin' and slidin' around in your head
It's be-bop-a-lula then baby you're dead
So c'mon make a bright new day
I need a prayer here
Need a blessing
Cast an eye back as you run
Turn around boy!
See the rainbow come