Unrequited Love

If you have browsed across these pages, I'm sure you have been able to notice that music plays an important role in my life. When I'm not in the company of family and friends I can usually be found attached to a pair of headphones and an iPod. Growing up I was immersed in music from as early as I can remember. My parents always had music playing in the background - mainly classical. My brothers and I were always enrolled in some music class, whether violin, piano or voice up until we were out of high school. I do have to admit that while I enjoyed the music, I never had the talent to make much more of it than develop a lifelong enjoyment of all things musical. I provide this preface to give some more background to my use of songs as therapy during trying times in my life.

I will lay out the songs as they came to me chronologically and explain what grabbed me about them. Here's a LINK to the zip file with the full MP3's if you're interested in downloading the compilation (~80MB).

Shooting the Curl

Surviving The Holidays™ was actually more difficult than I could have imagined. In my naiveté or more likely state of denial, I had constructed an elaborate theory that since Olivia left us before we ever experienced a Christmas with her it wouldn't hurt as much because we didn't have any direct memories of 'Last Christmas.' Wow was I wrong....

Crazy Time of Year

Life has been kind of crazy with a number of things over the last week; finishing Christmas cards for work, getting fundraiser calendars ready for our cat sanctuary, helping Sara's Uncle move in next door....  very little time to think or relax. In the midst of all this craziness, Olivia is never far from our minds. There just hasn't been any time to decompress or process this time of year w/o our Little Peanut, I'm just waiting for the overflow of emotions to come.

In lieu of a full post, here some pictures of our memorials we've set up for Olivia.

On top of our entertainment center:

The picture of Olivia was taken less than two days before she died. Sara and her mother had taken Olivia for a stroll at the local nature preserve. Olivia had just started to enjoy her diverse surroundings. The look Olivia displays in the picture was very classic for her. She wouldn't just look at you, she would look into you. There always seemed to be a wisdom in that gaze, maybe she always knew more than us what was coming....

Happy Thanksgiving?

Yesterday as we sat down to a traditional Turkey Day meal it really hit home; Four chairs at the table, not five (or six). This time last year Sara's pregnancy was just getting to the "reality check" phase, only 3 months to go before our lives changed forever -- little did we know. It was a good holiday, building excitement, lots of food, lots of family, lots of love. Yesterday was a Holiday in name only. No excitement to speak of- only an emptiness - this is not how it was meant to be. The food was bountiful as always but was more a nutrition and tradition bound necessity, not a celebration of what we have. The family was even smaller than anticipated with Sara's Uncle hospitalized for heart troubles. The Love was still there, stronger than ever, but spiced with a sad gravity forged through communal struggles and tragedy. Tearfully, I raised my glass to our Little Love, toasting her memory, willing her spirit to feast with us.

Over the last week many posts, whether on Facebook or in the Blogosphere have focused on a "I am Thankful for X, Y,and Z" meme. I've turned this question over and over in my head for weeks , no actually months, but it's been brought into sharp focus with everyone listing their thanks. My knee-jerk reaction is that I'm not thankful for much right now; The best thing I've ever know has been taken from me forever making me very bitter so you can just F***off !!!

The Truth Is...

I came across this while reading another blog (Dear Briana: Letters to Heaven). The original writing is attributed to C.E. Carney, RN.





"THE TRUTH IS..."

1.The truth ISN'T that you will feel "all better" in a couple of days, or weeks, or even months.

The truth IS that the days will be filled with an unending ache and the nights will feel one million sad years long for a while. Healing is attained only after the slow necessary progression through the stages of grief and mourning.

2.The truth isn't that a new pregnancy will help you forget.

The truth is that, while thoughts of a new pregnancy soon may provide hope, a lost infant deserves to be mourned just as you would have with anyone you loved. Grieving takes a lot of energy and can be both emotionally and physically draining. This could have an impact upon your health during another pregnancy. While the decision to try again is a very individualized one, being pregnant while still actively grieving is very difficult.

Ghosts Everywhere

Shortly after Olivia's death I described her loss like this:

When Olivia was born in February our lives changed forever. Our regular routines and freedoms were thrown into chaos. Slowly over the next weeks Sara and I established nice routines all centered around Olivia - Feedings, Playtimes, Baths, Dr Visits, Medicines, Etc. We were satellites orbiting the center of our universe -- Olivia- a very bright star. When she left our world 3 weeks ago, our Sun, our Center, Our Focus was taken away. Sara and I lost our center, we lost our focus, we lost our Star. Hopefully someday we will find pleasure again in the freedoms that have returned -- finishing a meal uniterupted, sleeping in on the weekends, getting in the car w/o needing to 'load up.' These are freedoms we glady gave up and don't want back, but we have no say....

We are most definitely still objects in motion, as of yet without a purposeful orbit. I guess we could be considered space debris floating w/o purpose around where our star used to be. Travelling in the same orbit are many objects that hauntingly keep Olivia alive. Whether it's the last bottle I fed her the night she died still sitting in the fridge, her bouncy chair covered with her Lion Fleece blanket sitting by the Aquarium in our living room, the car seat base still in Sara's car, the desktop photo on my laptop staring at me, the Halloween costume she never got to wear, the bottle caddy in the dishwasher that's still there, a pink swaddling blanket tucked under my pillow, the silver angel pendant in my pocket I rub all day long, the Picture 'she' gave me for Father's day that I kiss every night before bed.... 


When can I let go? How can I let go? Do I want to let go of these ghosts? I'm afraid if any of these slip, I'm losing a piece of my precious baby. At first these ghost just brought a reminder of what we've lost. Now they occasionally bring a slight smile, reminding me of what we had and how good it was. I guess sometimes ghosts are good things.

What's in a Name?

Since we lost Olivia 3 months ago the Dragonfly has come to symbolize her continued presence with us. Two weeks after her death Sara and I had one of those 'shake you to the core of your being' experiences. To this day thinking and talking about that Sunday morning gives me goose bumps.